Behind the Mirror Part 2 - The Emotional & The Uncomfortable

Elvia de la Garza: Welcome back to Moderating Life, DLG’s 20th Anniversary podcast. This is episode four, and this time we’re going to a very different place than last week. 

Edgardo de la Garza: Last time it was about tequila, unexpected interruptions, and a client love story. This time it’s the heart. 

Elvia de la Garza: Because research doesn’t just capture what people think.

It captures how people feel, and sometimes we find people telling us something that they’ve never told anyone, and those are the moments that really stay with us. Because there’s this idea that research is all about data, structure, objectives, and yes, all of that is truth, but it’s also deeply human. 

Edgardo de la Garza: The conversations we have can be surprising, funny, but also very raw.

Elvia de la Garza: Like I always say, research is not therapy, but it can often feel therapeutic, not only for participants, also for us. So let’s get into it.

Edgardo de la Garza: Okay.

Elvia de la Garza: And I want to start this episode talking about one particular story that really, really is unforgettable for me. Uh, we were doing research, um, in the HIV category, we’re talking to people living with HIV, so you know, the subject by itself.

Edgardo de la Garza: It’s very tough.

Elvia de la Garza: It’s tough because we’re learning about the awareness the anger, the acceptance, and all of the phases of the, of living with a disease, not only HIV but anyways, I was talking with this participant, HIV positive, um, from the outside he was, well, he was Hispanic, uh, and he looked very rough and tough.

You know, he had tattoos, beard, uh, he had been in jail. Mm. You know, it was a tough guy.

Edgardo de la Garza: Like a rough appearance, tough guy.

Elvia de la Garza: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. But, you know, we started talking about his life and when we started talking about his family and his background that. That’s when it really hit, um, something shifted. Um, he he really opened up and he was telling me about how the hardest moment in his life Mm.

Was not finding out that he had HIV mm was not, uh, being in jail, not even close. The hardest part for me, for him was, the rejection that his family had towards him when they found out that he was gay. 

Edgardo de la Garza: Oh my goodness. 

Elvia de la Garza: You know, he. It was just heartbreaking because he was such a beautiful soul. Mm. And he loved his family.

But you know, we talked about cultural stigmas and, and all of that and he just had such a heavy weight on his shoulders. Yeah. It’s, I have to be honest, but, uh, but that is the only time that I cried during a session.

Of course, I, I, you know, not sobbing necessarily, but I just couldn’t hold my tears.

Edgardo de la Garza: Of course we we’re move, we move with those stories. 

Elvia de la Garza: I just wanted to hug him. Mm. 

And tell him, you are being seen, you are loved. Oh, how wonderful. It was just, I will never, never, like even just remembering right now. It.

Edgardo de la Garza: You relive it.. Of course, of course.

Elvia de la Garza: Yes. Yes. Course it’s tough. Course. 

Edgardo de la Garza: I have one story like that, that is also a heartbreaker. We were doing research with, uh, Hispanic families, with couples husband and wife. Mm-hmm. For a national bank. Big bank, lots of business in home loans. And we, this is around 2008, right when the housing crisis happened and the industry was lending a lot of money with incredible terms ballooning payments, crazy interest rates, et cetera.

And, you know, we know what happened to the housing market around those times. Of course. So our client. Took a stand and he was a little bit more cautious when lending. As consequence of that, they had a lot of rejections.

Elvia de la Garza: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Edgardo de la Garza: And when the industry celebrating home ownerships and people see commercials of, here are your keys and our first home, and balloons and all of that, the client wanted to understand how people felt about being rejected.

Mm-hmm. And what was the brand impact of a rejection? I clearly remember this couple. They were young, they were doing everything right. We were talking not in a traditional focus group setting. Mm-hmm. We actually did a living room style with a couple of comfortable couches and soft lighting and tea and coffee to make them feel very comfortable at home.

Mm-hmm. So, you know, we started talking about it and then we got to that, to the moment of rejection. It was so tough because she started crying. 

Elvia de la Garza: Because, I mean, I can only imagine. I mean, to them it’s not only the loan, it’s the dream, you know? It’s 

Edgardo de la Garza: Absolutely, absolutely. Especially because they’ve been doing everything right.

Yeah. He worked in construction after, you know, years of doing that. He started his own small construction firm and he’s doing everything right and the wife was such a great steward of their money. Protected everything. They did everything right and her crying. It was not a, not a sob, it was just a quiet, emotional, defeated cry.

Oh, that’s a tough, that’s the toughest one. 

Oh, it was so tough. And the way he, the husband grabbed her hand and started telling me, but mainly telling her. That perhaps it was not the time. That the dream was not over, that they were going to keep doing what they’ve been doing for so many years hoping to achieve that American dream.

But at that moment of rejection, they felt. Defeated, like, we’re trying to do everything right, why we cannot have this American dream. 

Elvia de la Garza: But, you know, the, the way that the husband grabbed her hand, it’s, it tells a lot of the relationships, right? I mean, the a, the Hispanic community often faces disappointments. But the hope is still there. It’s not yet.

Edgardo de la Garza: Absolutely.

Elvia de la Garza: It’s not yet. It’s a not yet. 

Edgardo de la Garza: And often I think if looking back, they are thankful that mm-hmm. They did not get a loan back in those days with the housing market. And it was, so many people lost their homes and mm-hmm. They got into loans that they couldn’t pay.

So, um, that was a, that was a very touching story. 

Elvia de la Garza: Yes. Yes. I mean, really over these 20 years that we’ve been doing. Eh, this so many stories and it really is when a participant opens up and when they start talking about something that often they have no idea that they have those feelings inside. I mean, and I go back to talking to men.

Really, I find myself often talking to construction workers. Mm-hmm. Or, people, people that work on the field.

Edgardo de la Garza: Tough guys, yes.

Elvia de la Garza: And, and they’ve never been asked. How do you feel, you know? Mm-hmm. They are just providers. They’re working long hours. They go to work, they come back, they see their family, and then the, the, the next day all over again.

Edgardo de la Garza: All over again.

Elvia de la Garza: So they are not used to talking to their feelings 

Edgardo de la Garza: or to Yeah. To share their feelings. To share their emotions.

Elvia de la Garza: Yes. Yes. 

And, and there’s this barrier, right? I mean, Uhhuh. So, uh, and when once you break that barrier.

Edgardo de la Garza: Oh, it’s gold.

Elvia de la Garza: Uh, it’s, it’s gold. And, and we often like, you know, like, like I mentioned, I, we often have men. With tears in, in, in their eyes. Mm-hmm. Because they never had that space, 

Edgardo de la Garza: That space, that safe space to talk about their emotions.

Elvia de la Garza: Yes, yes.

Edgardo de la Garza: And the human, the, the humanness of it. That’s fantastic.

Another story that really shows the humanity, and that is stick with me and define me as a moderator. It’s a project that we did for the Secretary of the State of Texas.

Uh, we were trying to understand the barriers to voting. Across different ethnicities and economic lines, but also across different abilities. It’s very important for the state to hear from cons, from voters, from all kinds. So we were tasked with conducting research with a group of people with different sensorial and physical requirements.

So we had people that were blind, we had people that were deaf, and we had people with mobility.

Elvia de la Garza: Limitations.

Edgardo de la Garza: Limitations, yeah. Yeah. Quadriplegics. 

And we were not doing one-on-one interviews. This was a focus group. So we had people with different needs and different realities in the same group, in the same room.

Elvia de la Garza: Oh wow.

Edgardo de la Garza: In the same room. Uhhuh. So needless to say, I was a little bit nervous because I wanted to make sure that I was kind to them and I was using the correct language. And as you know, as moderators, there’s certain habits that you develop when someone shares something and it’s interesting, you affirm it.

You make them feel heard, make them feel good by saying, okay, I hear you. I see you.

Elvia de la Garza: Oh, I see.

Edgardo de la Garza: And am saying those things. I hear you. I see you in a group full of people that did not have those abilities. And I caught myself and my brain started spiraling, and I was so nervous until one person who was blind stopped me and said, “Ed, Ed. We get it. We know we cannot see.”

Elvia de la Garza: Oh, the kindness in people.

Edgardo de la Garza: Don’t worry about it. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Elvia de la Garza: Oh, and that, that he gave you permission to continue.

Edgardo de la Garza: Of course.

Elvia de la Garza: And, and that’s amazing. That’s a beautiful story. Yes.

Edgardo de la Garza: That lifted, that lifted a heavy burden off my shoulder. And at that moment, to be honest, they were moderating me.

Elvia de la Garza: Nice.

Edgardo de la Garza: So it felt, you know, after that the group felt fantastic. It was very productive and we learned so much how these people have to plan their whole day around exercising their right to vote. 

Elvia de la Garza: Whoa. And then we have, and then we have people that take it for granted. 

Edgardo de la Garza: Absolutely. We had just come off from another session where people forgot. Or didn’t have time, and these people had to plan for parking, plan for finding a, a polling station that had wheelchair ramps or that had people that are willing to help them. It was a very humbling experience.

Elvia de la Garza: I mean, talk about resilience, determination, and to be honest with you, love for your country.

Edgardo de la Garza: Absolutely love for democracy. Yeah. Yeah. 

Elvia de la Garza: But now let’s be real. Mm. Not all stories are heartbreaking or funny. Some stories are simply frustrating. Um, because as much as we talk about feelings and honesty mm-hmm. There’s people that are simply not honest.

Edgardo de la Garza: Yeah. They’re liars. 

Elvia de la Garza: Yes. Call them what they are. And in these 20 years with DLG Research we’ve had.

Had our share of liars, we’ve had participants that like to be recruited. Mm-hmm. Right? And, and then in a group, you have them in, they’re supposed to be, for example, users of a particular product, and then you find out that they don they’re don’t know the product. 

Edgardo de la Garza: They don’t know the product, yeah. 

Elvia de la Garza: And it’s so frustrating.

Edgardo de la Garza: Exactly. Or the ones that say they’ve never done focus group before. Mm-hmm. And you walk in three projects later and you see them there, you know, I see you Armando. 

Elvia de la Garza: There’s an Armando in every market. 

Edgardo de la Garza: Absolutely. But honestly it’s just not participants. 

Elvia de la Garza: No. Uh, of course, no. There’s also dishonesty, uh, in some recruiters as well.

Um, you know, when they tell you they are going for fresh participants, uhhuh, uh, new, and then you find yourself recognizing some faces in your group. 

Edgardo de la Garza: Yeah. And they’re using the same recruiting list that they’ve been using for decades. 

Elvia de la Garza: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And let’s not forget the coaching.

Edgardo de la Garza: Oh my God. That’s the worst

Elvia de la Garza: When they’re told.

Edgardo de la Garza: What to say 

Elvia de la Garza: by the recruiter what to say in order to be recruited? Recruited, eh, eh. It’s just so frustrating and defeats the whole purpose of the research. 

Edgardo de la Garza: Yeah. And sometimes dishonesty comes from the client side. Brands trying to squeeze every dollar out of the consumer, pushing the strategies that serve the bottom line more than the customer.

Elvia de la Garza: Yes, absolutely. And, and I mean, we understand we’re all for profits, but there’s the line, a very real line, uh, between what people want and what they actually need. And crossing that line is really, uh, where brands lose their customers. 

Edgardo de la Garza: And this is where experience comes in. Over two decades, we’ve learned to spot those red flags.

We build system processes, safeguards, but more than that, we’ve built relationships. 

Elvia de la Garza: Yes. Uh, you know, great relationships with partners we trust in all cities, across all US markets, uh, really, but also internationally. Mm-hmm. In Mexico, uh, Puerto Rico, Colombia, Costa Rica. 

Edgardo de la Garza: People who got our backs, people who share our values, people that we trust.

People that would tell us if something is off or if something needs fixing because, you know, we make mistakes. 

Elvia de la Garza: Mm-hmm. But the thing, the, the good thing is that we own them. Mm-hmm. And we learn from them. And we have built a business that’s stronger, sharper, and more ethical because of those mistakes.

Edgardo de la Garza: Absolutely. Mm-hmm. That’s how we continue to deliver our promise of insightful research, actionable results. 

Elvia de la Garza: In a bubble, integrity. Mm-hmm. Because that’s what keeps you in business for 20 years. And counting. 

Edgardo de la Garza: And counting.

Elvia de la Garza: Yes, yes, yes. And like I said at the beginning, you know, um, research is not therapy, but it can be deeply healing.

When people feel seen and heard and they say things that they’ve never said out loud, there’s a release. 

Edgardo de la Garza: And as moderators, we have to balance that. Stay present, stay professional, but also stay human. 

Elvia de la Garza: Yeah, it’s okay to be moved to feel that lump in your throat, um, because we hold a lot of stories.

Mm-hmm. 

And we honor them and we hold them gently. 

Edgardo de la Garza: So if you’re out there listening and you’ve ever shared your story in a focus group or an interview, thank you. 

Elvia de la Garza: Next time we’ll be back with something a little lighter. But this one needed to be told. 

Edgardo de la Garza: Thank you for listening from your friends at DLG Research, insightful research, 

Elvia de la Garza: actionable results.

See you next time.